Amber’s Changing Standards

This thread follows Amber’s effort to reconcile her politics, romantic choices, and desire to help others, culminating in a renewed but more self-protective connection with Brendan Fletcher.

increasingBearing stren­gth in each eventdecreasing

The Dating Argument

The Dating Argument A Familiar Question Amber’s calls with her mother often turn to the same unresolved topic: why Amber is not dating. Her mother reads Amber’s prom night with a female teammate as evidence that she might be concealing something, while Amber repeatedly says she is attracted to men. A History of Disappointment Amber has had several casual encounters with men, mostly athletes who treated her as disposable. Her mother’s advice to dress more femininely misses the point: Amber is tired of being valued for appearance while ignored as a person. A New Boundary Amber decides that she no longer wants drunken hookups or partners who diminish her. She is trying to choose between more careful relationships and celibacy, though desire will soon complicate that resolution.

The Jock Exception

The Jock Exception Politics and Attraction Amber identifies as an intersectional feminist and advocate for disability and LGBTQ communities, yet she continues to be drawn to jocks who do not share her politics. She recognizes this pattern and understands that it has repeatedly left her hurt. Meeting Brendan At the Activities Fair, Amber meets Brendan, whose confidence, athletic build, and political obliviousness make him exactly the type she has promised herself to avoid. Her attraction arrives before her judgment can protect her from repeating the old pattern. A Reason to Reconsider Later, Brendan joins a campus protest and shares personal feelings at an Autism Awareness Network meeting. Amber sees qualities in him that distinguish him from her previous hookups, and begins to wonder whether he could be more than another brief encounter.

The Date and the Party

The Date and the Party Difficult Witnessing Amber takes Brendan to a documentary about violence and exploitation faced by women. The film overwhelms him, but he stays present and tells her that it breaks his heart, a response that gives her hope that he can take other people’s suffering seriously. Choosing Celebration After the screening, Amber has to decide whether to continue to a feminist underwear party. The film has made the party’s political framing feel inadequate, but she accepts that she cannot solve injustice that night and chooses to go with Brendan. A Brief Feeling of Community At the party, the guests display insecurities on their nametags and gather in a deliberately affirming space. Amber feels attractive and accepted, and the night’s shared vulnerability seems to offer the kind of connection absent from her earlier hookups.

A Consent Boundary

A Consent Boundary A Mismatched Encounter After the party, Amber and Brendan go to her room. What she expects to become intimate feels disconnected: Brendan is preoccupied, and Amber tries a sexual approach before they have established what each wants. The Boundary Is Crossed During oral sex, Brendan uses degrading language and grips Amber’s head so that she cannot move or breathe freely. She experiences the contact as choking rather than consensual dirty talk and punches him in the groin to make him stop. No Easy Reconciliation Brendan apologizes and says he thought she liked it, but Amber points out that he never asked what she wanted. She tells him to leave, preserving her right to define the encounter even though she is upset and still has complicated feelings about him.

A Conditional Reconnection

A Conditional Reconnection Public Judgment Amber’s friend Cat puts Brendan’s portrait on My Call-Out Wall after Amber describes him as a huge disappointment. Amber does not approve every accusation associated with the exhibition, but she does not withdraw her own words or pretend that the sexual encounter was harmless. Choosing Not to Comfort Him When Brendan calls, distressed by the exhibition and his failing college experience, Amber refuses to become his emotional caretaker. She hears his pain but tells him their time together is over, then feels frustrated by her own impulse to feel sorry for him. Reassessment From a Distance After volunteering in a women’s shelter in Haiti, Amber writes to Brendan to explain that her earlier judgments were not the whole story. She still refuses to let him define her worth, but recognizes that her anger and the public portrait also represented her own disappointment in the choices she had made.

Early in Amber’s sophomore year

The first weeks of Amber’s sophomore year

A rainy Saturday night in the fall

Later that night, in Amber’s dorm room

From the fall Call-Out Wall incident through the following summer